[big sigh …]

January 21, 2014

Apparently, I’m really into brackets. Those are brackets, right? Ah, yes. The other ones are braces, or curly brackets. Of course.

There is a new trend among my blogging friends: they don’t blog. Of my 30 or so friends (the ones I know in real life) who have a blog, only one is consistently blogging. (Hi, Scherck. Keep up the good work.) Where did you all go? I think this lady nailed it with dead-on-balls accuracy in this post. This dance party isn’t so much fun any more. You went home, but I’m hanging out here in the ugly lights. Maybe I should call a cab.

For me, I haven’t blogged in a long time because I feel that I can’t really be honest about where I am right now. I’m in a bit of dark spot. Yes, I have dealt with depression on and off since I was a teenager, but I’m not sure this is depression. I think it’s just circumstantial. My husband is in medical school, and I stay at home with two kids under four. I don’t particularly enjoy staying at home. I teach part-time, but it’s only a few hours a week. I volunteered to sing with the opera workshop class at OU this semester because I need to get out more. I sing with a church choir on Wednesdays and Sundays. All in all, it’s about 10 hours a week. These are generally the 10 happiest hours of my week. 

I don’t like to talk about this because every time I google “motherhood frustration” or “parenting anger,” they–the Internet They–tell me I should go to therapy to deal with my feelings. Why? So I can feel even guiltier than I do now?

The reason for my guilt. They're adorable.

The reason for my guilt. They’re adorable.

I don’t want to go to more therapy. I already know what the problem is: I need to go back to work. The problem with that is I already have the job I’m best qualified for in my area; there is simply not enough demand for a non-collegiate voice studio to run full-time in Athens, Ohio. I could apply for an administrative position somewhere, but those types of jobs pay about $10/hour here, and that is the cost of childcare. As you can see, I’m stuck.

I’m in the process of applying to grad school (again) for music therapy. I feel that working toward a career that will allow me to work in music full-time will be a boon to my mental and emotional health. They say that I will feel normal again when my youngest child is three. That’s a year and a half away. I guess July 2015 should be a pretty month. I’ll drink to that.

photo credit: Brian

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  • Reply Aubry January 23, 2014 at 9:56 AM

    Hey Mel – I hear you loud and clear. I feel your frustration and your guilt. I am not gonna lie I say “Thank God” every single day the school bus pulls away from my house. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, I love spending time with my kids but I am not suppose to be with them 24 hours a day. AND THAT IS OK!!!!! When my kids were small my saving grace was a babysitting co-op. It was very inexpensive like $35 a month and 1 Tuesday a month I had to sit for 4 hours and watch other peoples kids (yeah that was terrible) but the other 3 Tuesdays I got 4 hours to myself!! I also joined a meetup group that got together a few times a month to walk in the park, go to the zoo, just go to mcdonalds and let the kids play. It was actually nice to be with NEW women, NEW Mom’s. These were women that were in the same place as me, some were totally pinterest moms but not all of them. I was able to have adult interaction without feeling like I was dumping my kids. I promise you it gets better!! I couldn’t find a job that I loved, I got several retail jobs just to get out of the house. Just for a few hours of peace. It took me till my youngest was 4 to create my own job. Life is not perfect and on snow days I totally cry in the shower but I feel more like myself. At least I feel like I am closer to the woman and the mom that I want to be. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are so many women out there who are struggling with trying to fit into a mold. You are a great mom and an amazing woman give yourself a break! xoxoxoxoox

    • Reply Melissa January 25, 2014 at 7:55 AM

      Aubry, thanks so much for this. Your co-op sounds like a fantastic idea. I’m not sure if there is one here, but maybe I could start one. (And yes, I’m right there with you on watching other people’s kids. My own feel like more than enough, obviously.) And I appreciate you talking so openly about how you felt because I cry in the shower all the time, and it’s nice to know that there is life on the other side of 3 or 4 years old. Thank you for the love. xo

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