I can feel it coming. I get this way every time I know I’m about to move. Sometimes it happens before I even get settled because I know I’ll only be there for a finite amount of time. It’s terrible really. I don’t know if it’s a self-preservation thing or what, but I start pulling away. I start hiding. I become a total recluse. It’s starting.
This is the longest I’ve been in one place since college. If all goes accordingly, it will be three and a half(ish) years here. The longest span I’ve ever lived in the same place was Rochester (Part 1) with a grand total of four years. I lived there for three years of college and one year after. Grad school was two years. Rochester (Part 2) was two years. New York City was two years. Salem will be almost four. Not quite. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long.
I can feel myself starting to pull away from the life I’ve built here over the last few years, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want isolate myself, but I continue to do it move after move. Perhaps I should go back to therapy. I’m sure a good therapist could shed some light on this coping mechanism.
And I’m ready to go, but moving is so stressful. You’d think that after moving, oh, five times in 10 years that I’d have it down. I do. I’m worried about Scarlett and Leo. I’m worried about the stress of the move. They say the only thing more stressful than moving is death. Moving and death. I feel like this has been just enough time to make truly great friends and have my heart break a little when I go.
I’m hoping this is just another blue patch. I’m hoping to pull myself up my proverbial bootstraps. I need to keep journaling, keep unplugging to help control my anxiety. The freezing temperatures outside are not really helping. Scarlett and I both have raging cabin fever. I wish I could go outside. Or go the gym. Seasonal depression is always a real possibility.
I’m so excited about the next chapter for Brian and us. He’s been working so hard for the last three years, and his dream is just on the cusp of reality. This is why we’re doing this.